Lesson #4: There is no such thing as Superwoman

“Come on guys, half a turn more and we’ve finished today’s session! Push, Push, you can do it. You in the orange t-shirt – you’re not even trying, push HARDER!”

I’m aware that you can’t see me right now but if you could, i’d be the one in the orange t-shirt sitting on the sweat ridden spin bike, strategically sat the farthest back from the instructor for fear that she’ll pick on me (oops, too late), pedalling so fast that I don’t actually know if i’ll suddenly come off the stand and go straight through the gym window. My clothes are stuck to every ‘curve’ I have and my tank is now empty…oh and i’ve got to do it all over again tomorrow. Lovely.

Mid-way through every spin session, two similar thoughts go through my mind:

1. That Chicken Curry last night was so not worth this pain
2. Why the hell are you putting yourself through this you crazy lunatic?

Of course after the session I know why I do it because I feel great. I feel i’ve achieved something for me and always look forward to the next day where I stare at my new body in the mirror.

OK, can I be honest with you about something?

The real reason I really put myself through it is because I feel for some reason that to be classed as someone who has ‘made it’ in life, you have to have a bloody good career whilst having the body of Instagrams best Yoga-wear model (head stand on beach is mandatory). You’ve also got to have a very large group of friends and by large I mean that you are a member of at least three WhatsApp group chats. You need lots of regular group photos as evidence and finally, if you’re a mum (which i’m not), it seems that you have to be able to do all of this whilst looking after your offspring, working your core office hours, keeping the house looking spotless and cooking for your better half. I can’t keep up!

Writing every word of the above I realise that I simply can’t do it all and that this is my own challenge to overcome. I set my expectations too high and am destined to fail as a result. However, in my defence, this is a lesson I learnt only seven months ago when talking to my friend and is something i’m currently working on.

It’s all too easy to look at the TV ads and flick through beauty magazines, envying all of the women who have seem to have found nirvana and do seem to have it all. I don’t know about you but I certainly feel as though you have to achieve the same level of success if you are to conform in this society. I genuinely worry about the next generation of girls who aren’t as lucky as I am to have learnt that it’s simply not achievable, nevertheless putting themselves under immense pressure as a result.

Seven months ago when I realised I will never be that person, I also realised something else that I wanted to share with you. I learnt that you should find something you’re good at and focus every effort into becoming the best at it. Maybe you like running. If you do, aim for that marathon and don’t stop until you have your medal. Maybe you’re an ambitious woman who wants to achieve her biggest hopes in th board room. Work so hard that no one can stand in your way  and go get it. Perhaps you want to be the person your children look up to when they’re old enough to do so. Pour every inch of love and attention into your children. Support them until their ready to fly and never, ever clip their wings.

Success in life is whatever you define it to be. You should be proud of everything you achieve and of the person you choose to be.

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.

V

 

 

Lesson #3: Love isn’t complicated

“It’s bloody hard to find a good one.”

That was the advice I gave my friend last week when we spoke about the new man she’s dating. They met online, have been talking none stop and had their first date over the weekend. Chemistry was there apparently, as was his best friend who turned up half way through to give his verdict.

So what’s the problem I said? Her response went like this:

“Should I leave it until Tuesday to text him so I don’t look overly keen?” (It was Sunday) “What if I see him again and we go the full hog and he never sees me again, is that bad?”

My response – based on many, many encounters with first dates – came with another question: “How do you tell if a guy likes you?”

It’s simple. Effort. If the guy makes the effort, you’re still in the game. If he doesn’t, move on.

In my opinion, there are too many men out there at the moment who, right now, are quite frankly offensive to the wonderful game of courting. Social media has given us the gift of opportunity, resulting in men (and women) thinking that they’ll always be a better one around the corner. Let’s face it, nowadays a woman can pick up a man on Tinder, meet him 20 minutes later and if she doesn’t like him because he has bad shoes or a fringe, bin him and meet another guy that very same night if she pleases. The world of dating has gone to pot!

However…(the plot thickens)…find the one who has a genuine interest in you (and you in him) and it’s a whole different ball game. You’ll be drunk on love, living in each other’s pockets and overall, loving life.

The guy I talked about in my opening blog (aka the boyf) made an effort, but it took a hell of a lot to find him. He has big-scale toilet humour (a six pack), he’s so infinitely caring (and has a six pack), he’ll help me with anything I need at any time of day (SIX PACK), and finally he somehow manages to calm me down (and by the way he has a six pack). He too has a travel addiction and has a very sweet family so in total, I’m happy.

But, like every other woman with a boyfriend/husband/partner it wasn’t always like this for me. I had to kiss an army of frogs (some nice, some not so) and even then I didn’t know I’d found ‘my prince’ for a long time after meeting him.

Throughout this process I asked the same questions that my friend did until I realised that it all comes down to effort.
My view is that you should always be yourself and do what you feel is right to do when you meet someone. If you want to text them, do. If you want to call them to suggest a date, do it. If you want to go the full hog on the second date, amen to you! And if someone doesn’t like it, simply move on to find the one who does. Because that’s the one you should be with, the person who simply loves you for who you are, no matter what you are.

V

Lesson #2: You can’t do it, alone

A few weeks ago I heard about a book which was described to me as the ‘Holy Grail’ when it comes to offering career advice to ambitious women. As someone who is technically classed as ambitious (the nice type) I naturally thought I should buy it to see what all the fuss was about.

I read the book from cover to cover but only one chapter stuck with me and has been playing on my mind ever since. It talked about how as women, when a new career or life opportunity arises which scares us, we automatically say to ourselves: “I can’t do it.” Having that attitude some would say automatically means that actually, no you can’t do it. But the book went on to argue that really it’s more about how you “can’t do it, alone” and honestly, I couldn’t have put it better myself.

For any men out there reading this, you’ll be pleased to know that I’m not going to use my blog to preach about women’s rights in the office (especially not on International Women’s Day) because I personally believe we’re all equal and that you’re in charge of how fast (or slow) you want to move in life. What I do want to talk about is just how important I think your friends, family and network are to you throughout your life and how you must do all you can to take care of them.

Over a span of 28 years and mainly through living in London, I’ve managed to meet thousands of people who are all different in so many, quirky little ways.

I’ve met people with fascinating stories who have taught me a great deal about what choices you should make as well as what choices you absolutely should not make in life if you want to retain friends and credibility. I have friends who have immense strength and grit who I admire for holding it together as well as people who you find out genuinely care for your wellbeing.

If it wasn’t for my bosses and my current boss in particular, I wouldn’t be where I am had they not taken a risk on me…which paid off of course (I keep telling them that).
Then there are those who give you a short, sharp shock and help you learn the true meaning of the expression ‘wolf in sheep’s clothing’. My advice: run as fast as you can from those people and don’t look back.

So you see, you meet so many people in life and good or bad, they’ll teach you something about yourself. Look after the good ones and forget the rest.

V

Lesson #1:There are no rules

I like to put everything into little boxes so that I know exactly what’s happening in my life and that I’m in control. In reality though I’ve learnt that the only thing I am in control of is my career, and sometimes that sucks.

Growing up you’re taught the rules of the school playground, how to make friends, what clothes to wear to fit in, what music is coolest to listen to and now for people half my age, what pose to do to get more likes on Instagram.

Your late teens are no different and so the repetitive cycle continues, increasing with intensity as you age, amplifying the feeling that you need to conform…or you’re out.

Amidst all of the havoc, I learnt something special: the very moment you don’t conform – the moment you forget the rules and go your own way – that’s when life becomes exciting. If you can step outside the mould and follow the path you want to take, generally you’re still in one piece and come out the other side a better person who is both more aware of themselves as well as how it feels to be truly alive.

For years I’ve been afraid of heights and flying in particular. It’s that feeling of being suspended in mid-air with no control whatsoever. I’m the person who has to sit at the front because I tell myself  ‘it’s just safer’ as I wipe the sweat from my palms. So to get on a plane is no luxury for me and without fail I always text my mum to tell her how much I love her ‘just in case’ before I board.

Breaking my own, mental rules and feeling quite frankly shit scared for hours on end has meant that I have seen the world in just a few years… And I can’t stop. To conquer my fears I’ve been to India (twice), South Africa (twice), Brazil, Russia, Europe (a million times) and America, and I’m due to goto Stockholm, Barcelona, Rome and San Francisco all before the summer ends. You see, if I listened to my rules, I’d be sat at home looking at the Golden Gate Bridge, Table Mountain, the Christ Reedermer and the Statue of Liberty in a book. Instead I’m breaking the mould, I’m following a different, more uncomfortable path, and it’s paying dividends over and over.

That being said, I also learnt that to step outside really is an incredibly difficult, emotional and seemingly relentless thing to do, But take it from me, you have got to try it at least once 🙂

V